Purpose

It’s days like today that make me wonder what on earth am I here for.

I woke up and drank my ritual coffee, talked with my husband, got ready for work, then realized I had a late start so decided to bake cookies for Zeke whose birthday is in 2 days. I kicked myself for not thinking about doing that last night when my day finished by 6:30 and I literally had nothing to do but laze around on the couch waiting for my husband to come upstairs and watch Palau, a movie about a great evangelist who did something great with his life. When am I going to do something really great with mine.

Ok, ok. I have. Done something great. I don’t discount any of that. I overcame a difficult childhood, performed well at college, made it on my own for a year before heading to medical school, graduated at the top of my class, then managed to make it by the skin of my teeth in residency and began the practice of medicine. I married, had three children, grieved the loss of one, struggled through a rough marriage, navigated muddied waters with a nanny brought on a short-term visa which expired at the inconvenient time I was raw from grief and fighting for my life, literally, having to tell myself the truth to drown out the ugly voices of worthlessness and self-doubt.

Then I met Kenny, and we started a different life. I scaled back; he worked all the time. We blended two families and birthed child number four. Life was not perfect, but it was beautiful. We home schooled successfully. I went back to work. Our kids started to fly the coop and blossom. I dug deeper and learned more about nutrition and obesity, started a clinic, had the rug pulled out from under me, so started another clinic with the support of Kenny and friends. I navigated challenging waters, outside of the machine of medicine, outside of the influence of insurance, and now I am operating out of my home.

I don’t negate any of what has happened. It was for a purpose, on purpose. I want to do more.

And now, as I am waiting for my next patient, I am wondering: .What else is there for me to do.

I don’t want to wish Monday into Tuesday. I don’t want to rush through the week to come to Friday with nothing to do. I don’t want to fill my days with busyness because I am not comfortable with seemingly empty moments. I want to be in this moment.

And I don’t want to go back to the frenzy of working every waking moment.

God, what do you want me to do. What do you have for me to do. What on earth am I here for.

What is my purpose when You are my resource. How do I love You and love others in this moment.

I think I know what I don’t want.

I don’t want to be unequally yoked.

I don’t want to run ahead.

I don’t want to do nothing.

I don’t want to move further in the practice without shared partnership.

I don’t want to chase and fret and worry and talk about money like it’s the only thing that drives me.

I don’t want to compare myself to others or be jealous of where they are.

I don’t want to rehash the mistakes of the past.

I want to press on to the goal to win the prize.
I want to figure out what the prize is.

The prize is Jesus.

I want to encounter Jesus in every interaction I have with another person or show them Jesus in me.

I want to stay strong and available for my kids.

I want to play with my grandkids.

I want to have energy for the rest of my days.

I want to use my mind and create and support others.

I want to figure out how to create a retreat center.

My dream is to see people set free from our culture’s unhealthy relationship with food.

My dream is to see people set free from entrapment by big food, big pharma, and big health care and insurance.

My dream is to see people have access to healthy foods they enjoy, take time to lovingly prepare food to nourish their friends, family, and themselves.

My dream is that life would slow down so we could enjoy the arts and the activities AND enjoy eating whole, real food.

My dream is for healing of deep wounds that have been filled in and covered up by food and weight gain which only causes more wounds and feels like a never-ending cycle.

My dream is to run a retreat center that would wrap around care for doctors, teachers, nurses, leaders. who struggle with obesity, with all its physiology, psychology, and spirituality.

I want to invite people to come together, share, prepare food, learn, let go, grow, stretch, walk, pray, cry, heal. And be renewed.

Today, I am writing this in the Define Your Dream section of my daily journal. Let’s see what happens!